Inspired by a series of articles at Hey Jenny Slater the first of how many ever I feel like posting up.
Quite Frankly, the last 8 games of the California football season was an OUTRAGE of preposterous proportions. There’s a quarterback controversy that’s driven fans so nuts that I seem rational by comparison. Add that to the tree sitters making this school look more RIDICULOUS than Sasha Vujacic.
And ESPN, I need more airtime. Give me Lou Holtz’s job, I’ll give some strange-ass, unnecessary, ridiculous, sensational, motivational speeches. I can be the best pep talk giver since SLAVA MED-VUH-DEN-KO.
NATE LONGSHORE! What’s this about an ankle and a pectoral injury? There is no excuse for losing to a bunch of trees on a farm! Trees can’t even move! Have you ever hear Brook Lopez talk? And what the hell is a Tavita? MY GOODNESS. But I’ve seen what you can do son. You represent FREEDOM and OPPORTUNITY. You could be the best quarterback since JOE ROTHVADENKO. 500 Touchdowns is completely within reason. Go lead that team to Rose Bowl glory, with SUPERB and SENSATIONAL play. And Quite Frankly, anyone who says you can’t is perpetrating an injustice of ridiculous proportions against you.
JAHVID BEST QUITE FRANKLY YOUR SPEED IS PREPOSTEROUS. I haven’t seen anyone run that fast since BARRY SANDUHS. And you need to channel that speed. You need to get to the end zone faster than Quite Frankly got canceled. Faster than ESPN is taking my responsibilities away. Faster than I ate this bag of CHEEZ DOODLES RIGHT HERE.
BRYAN ANGER I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE VERY ANGRY. I’m not sure what your name has to do with your temper, but I can only assume that it will make you a STUPENDOUS punter. Quite Frankly, you could be the best punter since SLAVA MED-VUH-DEN-KO. It doesn’t matter that Slava did not punt, you WILL be the best punter since him.
CALIFORNIA DO NOT BE ALARMED. Coach Tedford will lead you to the promised land. You are UNDERRATED. You are UNDERAPPRECIATED. You are UNINTIMIDATED. And UNABATED to the quarterback. You will be as TENACIOUS as I will in getting back to the stage of the NBA draft. Quite Frankly, if California does not win the PAC-10, it will be the BIGGEST OUTRAGE OF ALL TIME.