NOTHING is over till we say it is.
NOTHING is over till we say it is.
J.T. O’Sullivan. Kyle Orton. A possible 3-2 final score. FEEL THE ELECTRICITY!
25. Fresno State
Quarterback lineage includes the amazing David Carr and Trent Dilfer. Typically one of the best teams in the WAC, often the best that plays on a green field. Plays in Fresno, which ensures a home field advantage, because no one sane would go to Fresno voluntarily.
Totally past that Appalachian State thing. Seriously. Totally not feeling like shit cuz they didn’t get Terrelle Pryor. Also Seriously. Completely ready to run the spread offense with Ryan Threet. And really gonna beat Ohio State. Why are you laughing? Stop laughing! At least they’re not Notre Dame…
23. Wake Forest
Still riding the coattails of the Tim Duncan era. Probably could have used Tim Duncan to block kicks. I don’t know anybody on the Demon Deacons
22. Penn State
Joe Paterno is really fucking old. So old he could be John McCain’s son old. So old he hasn’t noticed his entire program is in jail old. So old he’s been asking when we’re adding a 14th state old. So old he’s confused about where the redcoats went old. So old that he still thinks he’s on Pangaea old. So old he remembers when this joke was funny old.
21. South Florida
Tried to play a Leaf at quarterback. A secondary that looks good on paper, but in reality just gets BEAST MODE’d
Ron Zook is still excited about the Rose Bowl. From last year. The one he got shitstomped in.
Wants less of this. Should probably bring back Manning. It’s the SEC, they can fudge the papers right?
Tried to claim spots 13, 11, 19, 21, and 4 as well. Famous quarterbacks include staunch and stoic Mormon Jim McMahon. Famous 49ers include Ty Detmer.
16. Arizona State
2nd on the list of people who have caused me the most emotional trauma in my 49ers fandom is Dennis Erickson. The offensive line gave up 6 sacks in a preseason scrimmage against the Mesa Pop Warner Pee Wee team. It was their best performance of the summer.
15. Virginia Tech
Vick has been replaced in all the record books at Virginia Tech with V**k. Although, in a show of solidarity with their fallen brother, they will lose many dogfights of games against lesser ACC opponents.
14. Texas Tech
Basically playing arena football yet somehow looks legitimate. Doesn’t appear to be influenced at all by Bob Knight. Could potentially lose Michael Crabtree to a particularly hungry Mangino.
Narrowly defeated Maryland in the “Coaches Beating Anorexia” marathon once again. Coach once mistaken for the Big Boy statue when he wore suspenders. Once mistaken for the Syracuse Orange when he wore an orange shirt. Once mistaken for the Great Wall of China when he wore a shirt he got from China.
Allegedly an actual state. Thinks Brett Farve should still be on the Packers. Residents won’t watch Badger football due to scheduled telling of Aaron Rodgers and Ted Thompson to fuck themselves. Haven’t realized that voluntarily living in Wisconsin is doing that.
Somehow the more likable team in Alabama. Shows the true evil of Nick Saban, that he can make something in Alabama likable, even if it is his team’s rival. Trying to install the spread. First must introduce the wheel and opposable thumbs to the SEC.
1. Hall of Fame Game – There’s a thousand things that are far more productive that I could be doing with my Sunday evening, but I’m gonna end up watching Peyton Manning and Jason Campbell go through the motions for about 6 minutes before some guys who are gonna be lining the taxi squads of the Arena League take the field. August 8th, Niners-Raiders? Screw the Olympics, give me two drives of Alex Smith and Frank Gore!
2. The A’s – I don’t blame the trades but they flat out suck right now. At the very least, they’re exactly where I thought they would be before the season, a 75 win team. The season’s over but at least 2009-2012 look really bright. But for the second year in a row, no A’s in October. At least A’s fans will have Rich Harden and Danny Haren to root for in the playoffs.
3. Cal Football – For all intensive purposes, at least according to my NCAA 09 dynasty, Nate will probably be the starter, Riley gets some time, Syd’Quan Thompson becomes the lockdown corner of Cal fans dreams. Best is half man-half amazing and will replace THA1 as the star in Strawberry Canyon. It’s still 4 weeks till the season, and given how much time I’ve spent at California Golden Blogs the past few weeks, I need those 4 weeks to go bye quick. Prediction time, Cal could be anywhere between 11-1 and 7-5, so figure on 9-3 and a Holiday/Sun Bowl berth.
4. Tight Ends in San Francisco – A lot has been made of Mike Martz’s ignoring of the tight ends over the years, but I’d make the argument that he makes the best of what he’s got. He made Marshall Faulk into a superstar, and I’m sure he can take 700 yards worth of tight ends from the worst offense in the history of ever, and utilize them in a way that produces way more than 14 points a game.
5. Manny Ramirez and Kyle Farnsworth – Two of the most important characters in the history of The Dugout change places. While it isn’t important to most people, pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth will never get to share a locker room with JeterJeterPumpkinEater and e5_rod. But Manny heeding Torre in LA will probably induce a great amount of insanity retardation I’ll eventually get to enjoy should I ever get around to watching baseball.
6. AB and The Mississippi Bullet – Back in the bay through 2014 at for a combined $130 million. I know I’m not the only one that sees reason to be optimistic for the near rather than far future at Oracle Arena. Between these two, Anthony Randolph and Corey Maggette, it’s one of the most athletic 4/5ths of a starting lineup there is. There’s still a complete lack of strength and rebounding, but its not like they had that before. The team could win 36 games this year, and I’m aware how pathetic that sounds, but 36 wins is about one and a half seasons from the beginning of my Warriors fandom. And thats from a team thats “bottoming out” this year. If Hendrix or Turiaf can become a tough starter at the 4, thats a recipe for a future 50+ win team.
7. More NCAA 09 – For the love of god, fix the AI problems. Other than that, its still ridiculously fun and is for the most part satisfying my football jones. If they can just patch up the gameplay issues (I should not be able to pick-6 4 passes in a game on Heisman, the problems with open field tackling are ridiculous). Also, NEEDS MORE OSKI. After Jahvid Best sprints 76 yards for the touchdown he should be partying with Oski in the endzone. Other things it could do to improve the experience, card stunts would be cool, as would random yelling from the stands like “Take Off That Red Shirt!”. Also fuck SC and fuck Fight On. Go Bears!
8. SaberCats – Damn. Hopefully this team stays intact in 2009. Also, what the hell Steve Watson? Breaking curfew the night before the championship is literally the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a while. And I read about SEC football admissions.
9. Berkeley – Back there in 3 weeks. As always coming in feeling good and excited, only to have my optimism gone by October and my spirit broken in December. But I’m optimistic now, so WOOO! GO BEARS!
10. TV Shows – Started watching Heroes. Thumbs up to The Mole and I Survived a Japanese Gameshow. Gonna start Burn Notice later. 500 GB hard drive on the way will help out. Rewatching Arrested Development for the 800th time.