Oh thank FSM

August 8, 2008

Mindless optimism reigns supreme once again….

No one knows who the quarterback is gonna be. And they should probably be fearing for their lives anyway if the line is anything like last years. Mike Nolan seems to be more Michael Scott than Jack Donaghy. Alex Smith is on his last chance. J.T. O’Sullivan (Aggies!) could be the starter. Issac Bruce wearing red is gonna be weird. But it all can’t possibly be as bad as last year, right? At least it’s gotta be more entertaining. We all know Mike Martz is batshit crazy when it comes to playcalling, but its not Jim “3 and Out” Hostler. And hopefully there’s some semblance of a pass rush this year. The defense was good but overextended last year. Patrick Willis and whoever plays next to him will likely still have to make 250+ tackles this year. And it looks like its a long way to September 7th. But there’s football on TV tomorrow. And thank the FSM for that.


Stephen A. Smith previews the Cal Football season

August 5, 2008

Inspired by a series of articles at Hey Jenny Slater the first of how many ever I feel like posting up.

Quite Frankly, the last 8 games of the California football season was an OUTRAGE of preposterous proportions. There’s a quarterback controversy that’s driven fans so nuts that I seem rational by comparison. Add that to the tree sitters making this school look more RIDICULOUS than Sasha Vujacic.

THIS.

IS.

UN.

ECK.

SEPT.

UH.

BLE.

And ESPN, I need more airtime. Give me Lou Holtz’s job, I’ll give some strange-ass, unnecessary, ridiculous, sensational, motivational speeches. I can be the best pep talk giver since SLAVA MED-VUH-DEN-KO.

NATE LONGSHORE! What’s this about an ankle and a pectoral injury? There is no excuse for losing to a bunch of trees on a farm! Trees can’t even move! Have you ever hear Brook Lopez talk? And what the hell is a Tavita? MY GOODNESS. But I’ve seen what you can do son. You represent FREEDOM and OPPORTUNITY. You could be the best quarterback since JOE ROTHVADENKO. 500 Touchdowns is completely within reason. Go lead that team to Rose Bowl glory, with SUPERB and SENSATIONAL play. And Quite Frankly, anyone who says you can’t is perpetrating an injustice of ridiculous proportions against you.

JAHVID BEST QUITE FRANKLY YOUR SPEED IS PREPOSTEROUS. I haven’t seen anyone run that fast since BARRY SANDUHS. And you need to channel that speed. You need to get to the end zone faster than Quite Frankly got canceled. Faster than ESPN is taking my responsibilities away. Faster than I ate this bag of CHEEZ DOODLES RIGHT HERE.

BRYAN ANGER I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE VERY ANGRY. I’m not sure what your name has to do with your temper, but I can only assume that it will make you a STUPENDOUS punter. Quite Frankly, you could be the best punter since SLAVA MED-VUH-DEN-KO. It doesn’t matter that Slava did not punt, you WILL be the best punter since him.

CALIFORNIA DO NOT BE ALARMED. Coach Tedford will lead you to the promised land. You are UNDERRATED. You are UNDERAPPRECIATED. You are UNINTIMIDATED. And UNABATED to the quarterback. You will be as TENACIOUS as I will in getting back to the stage of the NBA draft. Quite Frankly, if California does not win the PAC-10, it will be the BIGGEST OUTRAGE OF ALL TIME.


EDSBS Inspired – 25 Days

August 5, 2008

Continuing on after a setback is its own kind of strength.


8/2/08 Top 10 – Hot Hall Of Fame Game Action

August 2, 2008

1. Hall of Fame Game – There’s a thousand things that are far more productive that I could be doing with my Sunday evening, but I’m gonna end up watching Peyton Manning and Jason Campbell go through the motions for about 6 minutes before some guys who are gonna be lining the taxi squads of the Arena League take the field. August 8th, Niners-Raiders? Screw the Olympics, give me two drives of Alex Smith and Frank Gore!

2. The A’s – I don’t blame the trades but they flat out suck right now. At the very least, they’re exactly where I thought they would be before the season, a 75 win team. The season’s over but at least 2009-2012 look really bright. But for the second year in a row, no A’s in October. At least A’s fans will have Rich Harden and Danny Haren to root for in the playoffs.

3. Cal Football – For all intensive purposes, at least according to my NCAA 09 dynasty, Nate will probably be the starter, Riley gets some time, Syd’Quan Thompson becomes the lockdown corner of Cal fans dreams. Best is half man-half amazing and will replace THA1 as the star in Strawberry Canyon. It’s still 4 weeks till the season, and given how much time I’ve spent at California Golden Blogs the past few weeks, I need those 4 weeks to go bye quick. Prediction time, Cal could be anywhere between 11-1 and 7-5, so figure on 9-3 and a Holiday/Sun Bowl berth.

4. Tight Ends in San Francisco – A lot has been made of Mike Martz’s ignoring of the tight ends over the years, but I’d make the argument that he makes the best of what he’s got. He made Marshall Faulk into a superstar, and I’m sure he can take 700 yards worth of tight ends from the worst offense in the history of ever, and utilize them in a way that produces way more than 14 points a game.

5. Manny Ramirez and Kyle Farnsworth – Two of the most important characters in the history of The Dugout change places. While it isn’t important to most people, pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth will never get to share a locker room with JeterJeterPumpkinEater and e5_rod. But Manny heeding Torre in LA will probably induce a great amount of insanity retardation I’ll eventually get to enjoy should I ever get around to watching baseball.

6. AB and The Mississippi Bullet – Back in the bay through 2014 at for a combined $130 million. I know I’m not the only one that sees reason to be optimistic for the near rather than far future at Oracle Arena. Between these two, Anthony Randolph and Corey Maggette, it’s one of the most athletic 4/5ths of a starting lineup there is. There’s still a complete lack of strength and rebounding, but its not like they had that before. The team could win 36 games this year, and I’m aware how pathetic that sounds, but 36 wins is about one and a half seasons from the beginning of my Warriors fandom. And thats from a team thats “bottoming out” this year. If Hendrix or Turiaf can become a tough starter at the 4, thats a recipe for a future 50+ win team.

7. More NCAA 09 – For the love of god, fix the AI problems. Other than that, its still ridiculously fun and is for the most part satisfying my football jones. If they can just patch up the gameplay issues (I should not be able to pick-6 4 passes in a game on Heisman, the problems with open field tackling are ridiculous). Also, NEEDS MORE OSKI. After Jahvid Best sprints 76 yards for the touchdown he should be partying with Oski in the endzone. Other things it could do to improve the experience, card stunts would be cool, as would random yelling from the stands like “Take Off That Red Shirt!”. Also fuck SC and fuck Fight On. Go Bears!

8. SaberCats – Damn. Hopefully this team stays intact in 2009. Also, what the hell Steve Watson? Breaking curfew the night before the championship is literally the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a while. And I read about SEC football admissions.

9. Berkeley – Back there in 3 weeks. As always coming in feeling good and excited, only to have my optimism gone by October and my spirit broken in December. But I’m optimistic now, so WOOO! GO BEARS!

10.  TV Shows – Started watching Heroes. Thumbs up to The Mole and I Survived a Japanese Gameshow. Gonna start Burn Notice later. 500 GB hard drive on the way will help out. Rewatching Arrested Development for the 800th time.


EDSBS Inspired – 31 Days

July 30, 2008


Victory belongs to those that believe in it the most and believe in it the longest. – Pearl Harbor (film)


Mike Martz Is Straight Up Mentally Ill

July 29, 2008

There are 3 schools of thought involving the 49er quarterback situation. One, that Alex Smith has better tools and is thus better prepared. Two, that Shaun Hill has won in his limited opportunities and thus deserves another shot. Three, that the Mike Martz 5 Wide offense will leave the corpses of both players on the Candlestick Park grass by October. Some consider Mike Martz crazy, as if he were on crack while calling plays. Others, perhaps, consider him straight up mentally ill, like a certain third heat.

Martz: Lemme just say, I’m excited to be here. It’s an honor for you to meet me. I’ve got a lot ofplays I’m ready to bust out. I got a play named “Biscuit”, write that out. I got another play named “Rolando”, who is a two-footed jump pass hail mary.

Mike Nolan: How you doin’?

Alex Smith: There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia?

Nolan: Yeah.

Smith And that he once fell asleep on Dick Vermeil’s roof?

Nolan: Yeah, Mike has mental health issues.

Smith: He bit Marc Bulger on the face.

Nolan: When you hear his version, he was kinda askin’ for it.

Smith: Oh Shit, here he comes

Martz: Yo Alex, I want you to know something… You and me, it’s not gonna be one-dimensional. ‘Cause I don’t believe in one-dimension. Not between people, and not while I’m play calling. So, here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week.

Smith: What the hell does that mean?

Martz: 5 Wide! Hell send the linemen out there!

Smith: What about my protection? I’m gonna get sacked on every play!

Martz: Are there other wusses playing quarterback or is it just you?

Smith: Oh god I’m gonna die. The pass rush crusaders are gonna get me

Shaun Hill: If Alex dies can I get all his plays?

*Reading the Mercury News”

Nolan: It says here you’re brilliance and proficiency in play calling will be the key to our success.

Martz: Brilliant? Proficient? I don’t understand half the words you just said.

Nolan: You yell things at Alex through the microphone and make touchdowns happen.

*Press Box, Week 1 vs. Arizona, Martz calling plays*

Martz: Excuse me, wheres the manager, I’m here to inspect the chicken nuggets!

Nolan (to Alex Smith): What the hell is going on out there?

Smith: I don’t know, he’s muttering something about chicken nuggets and the third heat.

*Smith uses cryptography to translate Martz’s words to some form of English*

John Madden: Now ya see, Martz called some brilliant plays and Alex Smith executed. And when you execute and attack, you move the ball forward. And when you keep moving forward it means you’re not moving backwards. BOOM!

Madden: And when you score more points than the other team, that’s how you win the game.

*Niners beat the Cardinals and all is well with the world*

Mike Martz and Tracy Jordan are in no way affiliated, though they might just be equally batshit crazy. John Madden actually talks like that. If Alex Smith doesn’t get sacked 87 times this year I’ll be shocked, but it’ll be better than last years offensive festival of suck.


EDSBS Inspired – 32 Days

July 29, 2008


The thing is, I haven’t watched film all week. I haven’t seen scouting reports. I don’t have an offensive coordinator talking in my ear. I don’t have 80,000 fans screaming in my face. So it’s easy for me — I don’t have 10 million people watching at home on TV, including a pack of rabid alumni. I’ve had three days to think about it. He had seven seconds. So it’s a lot easier for me to make that decision than it was for him. But since you asked me what play I would have called, I’ll tell you. Now that I think about it, I have no idea. – Sports Night