Oh thank FSM

August 8, 2008

Mindless optimism reigns supreme once again….

No one knows who the quarterback is gonna be. And they should probably be fearing for their lives anyway if the line is anything like last years. Mike Nolan seems to be more Michael Scott than Jack Donaghy. Alex Smith is on his last chance. J.T. O’Sullivan (Aggies!) could be the starter. Issac Bruce wearing red is gonna be weird. But it all can’t possibly be as bad as last year, right? At least it’s gotta be more entertaining. We all know Mike Martz is batshit crazy when it comes to playcalling, but its not Jim “3 and Out” Hostler. And hopefully there’s some semblance of a pass rush this year. The defense was good but overextended last year. Patrick Willis and whoever plays next to him will likely still have to make 250+ tackles this year. And it looks like its a long way to September 7th. But there’s football on TV tomorrow. And thank the FSM for that.


Mike Martz Is Straight Up Mentally Ill

July 29, 2008

There are 3 schools of thought involving the 49er quarterback situation. One, that Alex Smith has better tools and is thus better prepared. Two, that Shaun Hill has won in his limited opportunities and thus deserves another shot. Three, that the Mike Martz 5 Wide offense will leave the corpses of both players on the Candlestick Park grass by October. Some consider Mike Martz crazy, as if he were on crack while calling plays. Others, perhaps, consider him straight up mentally ill, like a certain third heat.

Martz: Lemme just say, I’m excited to be here. It’s an honor for you to meet me. I’ve got a lot ofplays I’m ready to bust out. I got a play named “Biscuit”, write that out. I got another play named “Rolando”, who is a two-footed jump pass hail mary.

Mike Nolan: How you doin’?

Alex Smith: There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia?

Nolan: Yeah.

Smith And that he once fell asleep on Dick Vermeil’s roof?

Nolan: Yeah, Mike has mental health issues.

Smith: He bit Marc Bulger on the face.

Nolan: When you hear his version, he was kinda askin’ for it.

Smith: Oh Shit, here he comes

Martz: Yo Alex, I want you to know something… You and me, it’s not gonna be one-dimensional. ‘Cause I don’t believe in one-dimension. Not between people, and not while I’m play calling. So, here’s some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week.

Smith: What the hell does that mean?

Martz: 5 Wide! Hell send the linemen out there!

Smith: What about my protection? I’m gonna get sacked on every play!

Martz: Are there other wusses playing quarterback or is it just you?

Smith: Oh god I’m gonna die. The pass rush crusaders are gonna get me

Shaun Hill: If Alex dies can I get all his plays?

*Reading the Mercury News”

Nolan: It says here you’re brilliance and proficiency in play calling will be the key to our success.

Martz: Brilliant? Proficient? I don’t understand half the words you just said.

Nolan: You yell things at Alex through the microphone and make touchdowns happen.

*Press Box, Week 1 vs. Arizona, Martz calling plays*

Martz: Excuse me, wheres the manager, I’m here to inspect the chicken nuggets!

Nolan (to Alex Smith): What the hell is going on out there?

Smith: I don’t know, he’s muttering something about chicken nuggets and the third heat.

*Smith uses cryptography to translate Martz’s words to some form of English*

John Madden: Now ya see, Martz called some brilliant plays and Alex Smith executed. And when you execute and attack, you move the ball forward. And when you keep moving forward it means you’re not moving backwards. BOOM!

Madden: And when you score more points than the other team, that’s how you win the game.

*Niners beat the Cardinals and all is well with the world*

Mike Martz and Tracy Jordan are in no way affiliated, though they might just be equally batshit crazy. John Madden actually talks like that. If Alex Smith doesn’t get sacked 87 times this year I’ll be shocked, but it’ll be better than last years offensive festival of suck.