Mocking The Top 25: 25-11

August 11, 2008

25. Fresno State

Quarterback lineage includes the amazing David Carr and Trent Dilfer. Typically one of the best teams in the WAC, often the best that plays on a green field. Plays in Fresno, which ensures a home field advantage, because no one sane would go to Fresno voluntarily.

24. Michigan

Totally past that Appalachian State thing. Seriously. Totally not feeling like shit cuz they didn’t get Terrelle Pryor. Also Seriously. Completely ready to run the spread offense with Ryan Threet. And really gonna beat Ohio State. Why are you laughing? Stop laughing! At least they’re not Notre Dame…

23. Wake Forest

Still riding the coattails of the Tim Duncan era. Probably could have used Tim Duncan to block kicks. I don’t know anybody on the Demon Deacons

22. Penn State

Joe Paterno is really fucking old. So old he could be John McCain’s son old. So old he hasn’t noticed his entire program is in jail old. So old he’s been asking when we’re adding a 14th state old. So old he’s confused about where the redcoats went old. So old that he still thinks he’s on Pangaea old. So old he remembers when this joke was funny old.

21. South Florida

Nuff said.

20. Oregon

Tried to play a Leaf at quarterback. A secondary that looks good on paper, but in reality just gets BEAST MODE’d

19. Illinois

Ron Zook is still excited about the Rose Bowl. From last year. The one he got shitstomped in.


18. Tennessee

Wants less of this. Should probably bring back Manning. It’s the SEC, they can fudge the papers right?

17. BYU

Tried to claim spots 13, 11, 19, 21, and 4 as well. Famous quarterbacks include staunch and stoic Mormon Jim McMahon. Famous 49ers include Ty Detmer.

16. Arizona State

2nd on the list of people who have caused me the most emotional trauma in my 49ers fandom is Dennis Erickson. The offensive line gave up 6 sacks in a preseason scrimmage against the Mesa Pop Warner Pee Wee team. It was their best performance of the summer.

15. Virginia Tech

Vick has been replaced in all the record books at Virginia Tech with V**k. Although, in a show of solidarity with their fallen brother, they will lose many dogfights of games against lesser ACC opponents.

14. Texas Tech

Basically playing arena football yet somehow looks legitimate. Doesn’t appear to be influenced at all by Bob Knight. Could potentially lose Michael Crabtree to a particularly hungry Mangino.

13. Kansas

Narrowly defeated Maryland in the “Coaches Beating Anorexia” marathon once again. Coach once mistaken for the Big Boy statue when he wore suspenders. Once mistaken for the Syracuse Orange when he wore an orange shirt. Once mistaken for the Great Wall of China when he wore a shirt he got from China.

12. Wisconsin

Allegedly an actual state. Thinks Brett Farve should still be on the Packers. Residents won’t watch Badger football due to scheduled telling of Aaron Rodgers and Ted Thompson to fuck themselves. Haven’t realized that voluntarily living in Wisconsin is doing that.

11. Auburn

Somehow the more likable team in Alabama. Shows the true evil of Nick Saban, that he can make something in Alabama likable, even if it is his team’s rival. Trying to install the spread. First must introduce the wheel and opposable thumbs to the SEC.